coming to believe in the right to keep trying…

I’ve come to realize that I’m in love with the idea of being in love. One day I’ll meet someone, spend time getting to know them, know that what I’m bringing to the table is secure and transparent, and then slowly over time if we were at ease in each other’s company (it will be unmistakable) I’ll take a chance on seeing if they’re interested in taking the relationship to another level.

Apparently this is part of what they call courtship and dating with boundaries and self-awareness. Bringing a set of principles and wants (but no expectations other than to be treated with respect and dignity), and seeing if they are compatible with the other person.

I’ve never done this – I’ve merely found the other part of the “broken-me” and was made whole for a while…

I love life, I truly do… I have until the last breath I draw to try and get it “right”, if I fall short I want to say that at least I tried my best…
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Obstinancy and self-righteousness hinder my forgiveness.  Ironically, I pray for the ability to forgive those whom I have harmed with my selfishness and indifference to their overall well-being.

They say you can’t love another if you don’t love yourself.  Is this true? What if you try to the best of your ability to forgive others by  honoring and loving their “human”-ness? I would imagine a sustained effort in this endeavor would heal old wounds more thoroughly than simply repeating an “I love me” mantra. 

This is for me: Love and forgive, or hate and resent for the remainder of my days. 

Seek to grow in presence and compassion, or die a cowardly death buried in a shroud of self. 

Be honest and charitable, reliable and trustworty, kind and forgiving, fair and merciful, or destroy all I see and feel before someone else’s perilous life-plan brings about my demise.


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hopes for awakening…

I’ve been on this planet somewhere in the neighborhood of 17,230 days.  It feels like I’ve survived most of them, endured many others.  Life is for the living they say. 

So what does it mean to live life, not merely survive or endure it?

For the years I have left (or months/days/minutes if that’s all the Source has for me), I want the time from between when my eyes pop open in the morning to the time I lay my head on the pillow to be free of that gnawing “pit” feeling in my stomach.  I hope it can be replaced with a calm certainty.  I hope this calm certainty can come from asking the Source to grant me the strength and patience to spend that day in service to my fellows.  I hope this calm certainty can come from asking that I be guided in my search for a re-connection to the Source – a connection I had rarely (if ever) felt, yet apparently has always been there beneath the Ego.

I started this blog not anticipating anyone would read it, and that’s fine.  I don’t journal, so this can be my way of “scribing” my thoughts and occasional insights.  If someone can identify with it, great.  Some will critique and offer unsolicited advice, and that’s fine as well.  I welcome advice from those who have mastered the human experience – the others I’ll handle as others do – with anger, indifference, or gratitude.

I’m weary.  But at age 47 I believe the best years of my life are ahead of me.  I’ve spent my life with background music in my head that chants self-deprication, low self-esteem and self doubt – all wrapped in a shiny package of self-absorbtion.

I hope to move on from this life, to walk towards one where I strive to see what I can do to be of service to those in the recovery community, to my Creator as I understand him/her, to my employer and those in the community we serve. 

This will be my redemption.  Redemption is my favorite story.  It’s the reason I watch as many versions as I can of “A Christmas Carol” each year.  The story of a human being, no matter how old, finding that the way they live is small and unfulfilling – and then wanting to spend the remainder of their life in service to those around them is the epitome of human triumph, the sweet and tangible marriage of the human form with the realm of the spirit.

Wish us luck…

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Hey, citizen’s of the big blue marble…

this is test… more to follow…

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