I’ve been on this planet somewhere in the neighborhood of 17,230 days. It feels like I’ve survived most of them, endured many others. Life is for the living they say.
So what does it mean to live life, not merely survive or endure it?
For the years I have left (or months/days/minutes if that’s all the Source has for me), I want the time from between when my eyes pop open in the morning to the time I lay my head on the pillow to be free of that gnawing “pit” feeling in my stomach. I hope it can be replaced with a calm certainty. I hope this calm certainty can come from asking the Source to grant me the strength and patience to spend that day in service to my fellows. I hope this calm certainty can come from asking that I be guided in my search for a re-connection to the Source – a connection I had rarely (if ever) felt, yet apparently has always been there beneath the Ego.
I started this blog not anticipating anyone would read it, and that’s fine. I don’t journal, so this can be my way of “scribing” my thoughts and occasional insights. If someone can identify with it, great. Some will critique and offer unsolicited advice, and that’s fine as well. I welcome advice from those who have mastered the human experience – the others I’ll handle as others do – with anger, indifference, or gratitude.
I’m weary. But at age 47 I believe the best years of my life are ahead of me. I’ve spent my life with background music in my head that chants self-deprication, low self-esteem and self doubt – all wrapped in a shiny package of self-absorbtion.
I hope to move on from this life, to walk towards one where I strive to see what I can do to be of service to those in the recovery community, to my Creator as I understand him/her, to my employer and those in the community we serve.
This will be my redemption. Redemption is my favorite story. It’s the reason I watch as many versions as I can of “A Christmas Carol” each year. The story of a human being, no matter how old, finding that the way they live is small and unfulfilling – and then wanting to spend the remainder of their life in service to those around them is the epitome of human triumph, the sweet and tangible marriage of the human form with the realm of the spirit.
Wish us luck…